Wolverine sucks Cyclops rules

So I was having a conversation the other day with fellow geeks and someone made the point that wolverine was the best x man, a thing that my fellow geeks took as a law of the universe. In their minds apples fall down, cupcakes are delicious and wolverine is the best x man. When I said that this was complete balderdash I was promptly shouted down, it got worse when i said that Cyclops is in fact the best. Since this is my website and they physically can't shout me down from here this is my article all about why wolverine sucks and why Cyclops is the best there ever was.

Wolverine’s stupid back story

Ok firstly Wolverine is trying waaay to hard, coolness is not a thing that you have to strive for, you either have it or you don’t and Wolverine definitely doesn't have it. Wolverine in his long life has been a pirate king (kind of), a samurai  a ninja, a soldier (who almost killed Hitler)  plus a bunch of other things. Does this not strike anyone else as trying too hard to hip and down with the kids?  Remember that he is an old man, and this is as embarrassing as one who refuses to act his own age. The writers want him to be cool so desperately that they keep adding more and more to his back story that it becomes a mess. If they had just chosen one back story I could get behind this crazy Canadian, but because of this misguided assumption that everyone loves Wolverine they had to add more and more and so make him ridiculous. Before you hypothetical readers starts complaining that all long running comic book characters have huge and convoluted back stories compare his back story to Cyclops. His dad becomes a space pirate by accident and pushes Cyclops and his brother out of a plane to safety (which gave him brain damage not allow him to control his powers). He wanders around for a few years beats up a few villains, and then Xavier finds him and trains him. This in my mind is a good origin story small, but important. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t know it but it helps you understand Cyclops if you do, not the sprawling mess that Wolverine’s is. Also i feel this is important to say again, his dad is a space pirate!

Cyclops leads the team

Cyclops has to lead the x men and is (mostly) successful, that is the world hasn't be ended in one of the many colourful ways. This is huge any way, after all I'm pretty sure he’s even saved the galaxy a couple of times but to do all that and keep the team together is nothing short of amazing. Look past the awesome powers of the x men for a moment, and you realise that these are a bunch of badly damaged people. Rouge has intimacy problems, Beast has body image problems and gambit has a pesky gambling problem. Honestly Freud would have a field day, imagine how difficult it would be just to keep them all in line let alone get them to do anything more productive then finger painting. But he does and wins as well, even with an annoying screw up you won’t do what he’s told, or to call him by his real name, Wolverine.

Wooden claws

Not really much to say on this, but when he was born for some reason he had wooden claws. This is stupid. Wood is never cool. And how would it even get in there?  Also why would you have a power that hurts you every time you use it? That is a crappy power any way you look at it. At least Cyclops power was meant to work, before he was thrown out of a plane.

Cyclops gets the girls

In the films, comics, and tv shows one plot line is always there, the Jean grey love story (also this is a complete side point by why doesn't Jean get her own code name? everyone else has one. why is it that she has to be taken over by an alien force/ have her full powers awakened and go on a rampage for people to give her a cool code name?). The question is always who will she choose? And the answer is always the same Cyclops. Do you know why, because moody badass is great for attracting the ladies but lets be honest no one wants to wake up next to a moody badass, as I imagine he would never be the one to make the cup of tea in the morning. Also what kind of guy tries to get with another man’s girlfriend (which is bad enough) when he not only a member of your team, but has also saved your life at least a couple of times that day. And nothing ever happens between then, or at least not for long. It is easy to imagine then that on the few days off the x men have form world saving Logan is on facebook looking through Jean’s photos and generally being a creepy (and very much older) dude.

Cyclops also does well after Jean goes dark phoenix and flies off into a star or whatever else she feels likes doing, as he moves on and falls in love with Emma Frost. The comics make no bones about the fact that she is... experienced in all matter of fun things, plus lets be honest even by super hero outfits hers isn't exactly modest.

honestly this well covered for her,, it's like she got half dressed then got bored .

But Cyclops manages to create a relationship which as she is a telepath who can also turn into diamond, which is no mean feat. And what does wolverine have? The best he has done is squirrel girl (if you don’t know who she is and for some reason have an inability to use Wikipedia, don’t worry I’ll be covering her in another article later). Wolverine puts so much time into creating this image of himself as the gruff loner that he always ends up alone. To be honest if you had to choose one of these guys wouldn't you want to be the guy who can actually be happy.

Wolverine has no responsibility

This is just a continuation of the last one but i felt it important enough to make a new title for. What does wolverine do most of the time? When he is called he makes a decent leader but always quickly gives up the role as soon as he can. Cyclops has to make decisions that effect thousands of people every day, and Wolverine has to decide what... which vest makes covers the least amount of his abs?

looking up both him and emma frost above my search history has taken  an odd turn.

Useless against their biggest enemy (magneto)         

HE IS MADE OUT OF METAL! YOUR MAIN ENEMY IS A GUY WHO CAN CONTROL METAL.  WHY ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THIS TEAM! Seriously choose another team the avengers or maybe any other team out there where the main bad guy isn't able to stop you with a thought. This would be like superman going out of his way to find a guy made entirely out of kryptonite and annoying him until he fought him.

why superman!? all i was trying to do was take out the rubbish!

So that's it, I hope this goes some way to stopping this crazy obsession with wolverine the internet and geekdom in general has with him, and instead give a little love to the poor dude who has to look after a bunch of homicidal teenagers with powers.

p.s. A wolverine sounds awesome but is just a badger, and the only badger that is at all scary is the honey badger. No one would think he was so awesome if he was called badger man.